Sunday, December 8, 2013

the gig's not up

There seems to be some confusion...
Unfortunately, Remission! Remission! Our new favorite word doesn't quite waltz in with a white flag waving standing true to all of it's cure promises. In fact remission has been known to fall short with many false promises. While, yes my bone marrow is clear as well as my blood I am still very much a cancer patient...and will continue to be.

I've been receiving a great deal of messages congratulating me on my success with beating cancer. However, that's far from the reality. The gig isn't up, people!  This is still the beginning. The beginning of (hopefully) only a one year-long process. I'm starting to see peoples miss understandings. It seems people think, you get treatment, you're better, that's it. Well, I'm still here on 6Cental at Santa Barbara's Cottage Hospital undergoing vigorous chemotherapy treatments. So as far as "remission" and life going back to "normal", there is no normal in my near future. There is no "normal" for a cancer patient.

Once you're in remission people think everything is fine and that you're healthy again. Naturally people realize things have changed, but they assume things are better now. 

I quickly learned to hate that word "remission"...

Now that I'm in "remission" it seems to be a, free for all, if you will. Taking it a day at a time. There are no road maps, there are no rules to play by, and now when needed most there is little sympathy. When I was first diagnosed my life became more complicated, but my focus became simple, survive. Now that I'm "surviving" life has become more complicated than anything I could ever imagine. 

People get wind that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and all of a sudden I'm expected to get my life back together. Relationships, insurance, work, bills, etc, etc, etc, are pouring in at unstoppable rates. The world is full of some real greedy fucks who are trying to make hay while the sunshines (or whatever that saying is). I wish I could shave just one of their eyebrows off. Just one. PEOPLE NEED PERSPECTIVE!

I'm sorry about my depressing rant, but I'm feeling beyond disheartened and am having a hard time seeing the light. I try and stay positive, but today I am me and having a hard time dulling my raw emotions. It's impossible to be brave all the time. I'm finding great struggle in seeing the bigger picture. It's becoming hard for me to understand how much misfortune one can take. 

However, I have many people who love me and with every challenge our love grows stronger. That feels good. I try to remind myself of the little tings that used to upset me and how they no longer carry any weight. Making friends and loved ones laugh, letting the people in my life know how much I love them...theses things are what should matter. Not your inability to pay an exuberant amount of money for a battle you didn't choose to prolong your well fought for life on earth. 

Perhaps it's the hospital room during the holidays having me feeling down and cynical.  

Undoubtedly, above most things, I am embarrassed... donations can be made here


  1. I am understanding that this is far from over. I wished I could be there for u. You have been so strong for so Long, don't apologize for being down. I only wish I could hold u like u were little again and make everything OK. I love u K. U are with me everyday in my heart. I love u so much.

  2. Hey Kaleigh,

    Read your blog through a mutual friend, Ms Dani Hull. Keep kickin' ass and keep your head up!

  3. I totally "get it"...You are an amazing writer and I would feel the same exact way...Its NOT over..You are right...And that's the truth of the matter..People don't understand..Glad you set it straight Kaleigh...Keep up the fight though and know that you are loved !! Blessings dear friend Love Terri Allie and Maddie

  4. just because the cancer is gone from your body now does not mean that the support for what you are going through (and will continue to go through) is gone too. thanks for being honest. feel your feelings, and when you have experienced them--realize that you can trust the universe to guide you through this part too. whether it is financially, emotionally, physically, or a combination of all of them, you are strong enough to deal with ALL of it. its fucked up and and its not fair that our healthcare system is not set up to support the people who really need it, and you are the one who has to experience it firsthand. even when it feels like so many things are out of your control, at least you still have your mind: your perspective and attitude. things so powerful they can change your reality. and along with the support of your family and friends, everything IS going to fall into place. obviously not slowly, definitely not immediately, but they will, and each time a new obstacle comes up, you will clear it. all of this is sososo much easier said than done. in all reality, i don't really know what im talking about, and when i offer you my thoughts, i don't imagine that they cover even half of what you've been feeling or going through. i've had my fair share of ups and downs, but they were not this. but i wanted to share with you the words that i often need to hear myself in other experiences, in hopes that they will help, and just to let you know i'm still thinking of ya.

    “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”-Kurt Vonnegut