There seems to be some confusion...Unfortunately, Remission! Remission! Our new favorite word doesn't quite waltz in with a white flag waving standing true to all of it's cure promises. In fact remission has been known to fall short with many false promises. While, yes my bone marrow is clear as well as my blood I am still very much a cancer patient...and will continue to be.
I've been receiving a great deal of messages congratulating me on my success with beating cancer. However, that's far from the reality. The gig isn't up, people! This is still the beginning. The beginning of (hopefully) only a one year-long process. I'm starting to see peoples miss understandings. It seems people think, you get treatment, you're better, that's it. Well, I'm still here on 6Cental at Santa Barbara's Cottage Hospital undergoing vigorous chemotherapy treatments. So as far as "remission" and life going back to "normal", there is no normal in my near future. There is no "normal" for a cancer patient.
Once you're in remission people think everything is fine and that you're healthy again. Naturally people realize things have changed, but they assume things are better now.
I quickly learned to hate that word "remission"...
Now that I'm in "remission" it seems to be a, free for all, if you will. Taking it a day at a time. There are no road maps, there are no rules to play by, and now when needed most there is little sympathy. When I was first diagnosed my life became more complicated, but my focus became simple, survive. Now that I'm "surviving" life has become more complicated than anything I could ever imagine.
People get wind that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and all of a sudden I'm expected to get my life back together. Relationships, insurance, work, bills, etc, etc, etc, are pouring in at unstoppable rates. The world is full of some real greedy fucks who are trying to make hay while the sunshines (or whatever that saying is). I wish I could shave just one of their eyebrows off. Just one. PEOPLE NEED PERSPECTIVE!
I'm sorry about my depressing rant, but I'm feeling beyond disheartened and am having a hard time seeing the light. I try and stay positive, but today I am me and having a hard time dulling my raw emotions. It's impossible to be brave all the time. I'm finding great struggle in seeing the bigger picture. It's becoming hard for me to understand how much misfortune one can take.
However, I have many people who love me and with every challenge our love grows stronger. That feels good. I try to remind myself of the little tings that used to upset me and how they no longer carry any weight. Making friends and loved ones laugh, letting the people in my life know how much I love them...theses things are what should matter. Not your inability to pay an exuberant amount of money for a battle you didn't choose to prolong your well fought for life on earth.
Perhaps it's the hospital room during the holidays having me feeling down and cynical.
Undoubtedly, above most things, I am embarrassed... donations can be made here