Even considering everything I've been through I can honestly say, the hardest thing I've ever done is love someone. Really, truly, love someone.
Regardless of how tumultuous a relationship can be there is often an unyielding thought that nothing will ever be right without that other person. You stay hopeful thinking that maybe, in the end, everything will turn out the way you want it to. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. We convince ourselves the sadness will eventually dissipate and that everything will be okay. It's almost too debilitating to think otherwise. Love is such a tricky thing. It can feel so certain and so secure in one second then be completely apprehensive and fleeting in the next. In a moment you can plan on spending your whole life with another person; But then realize in an instant that the other person wasn't ever truly committed to anything like that.
Whenever someone asks how my ex is doing I give the same rehearsed polite response, “Actually we aren’t together anymore.” That response is usually followed by an immediate look of sympathy. I’ve become accustomed to that look. I guess that’s what happens when the guy you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with breaks your heart. I’m not sure if I will ever figure other people out; their line of thinking, their actions, their secrets. Humans are mysterious, I just wish they didn’t come with the responsibility weighted by such a hefty price tag-- A Heart.
My friends say I’ll find someone new and I will love them just as much, if not more. Their words are meant to make me feel better, but it's those exact words that really got me thinking. It's those words that sparked this post...
I hope I never find someone I love as much as him. I don’t say that because I am a pessimist, I don’t say that because I'm a disbeliever, and I don't say that because I hope we get back together. I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was engulfing, it was emotional, it was all-encompassing, it was painful, it was beautiful, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I felt as if I wasn't whole when I wasn’t around him. He was my other half. He made me emotional and crazy.
I felt as if I had loved him in many forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age. For us it didn't matter what had happened, or how much time had passed. Whenever we were together we seemed to pick up right where we left off. Usually with hearts in our eyes, forgetting the struggle. After all, "the struggle is part of our story", that's the cute little excuse I used to tell myself. Our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him. I pray to God I never ever feel that way again.
I never want to feel that kind of love again. I was lucky enough to experience that special love on and off for eleven years. It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of forever. I found that kind of love young and I embraced every minute of it. Even when we were fighting and I hated him, I loved it. But I never want to feel it again. That kind of pain and hurt mixed in with such love was too much for me. It was too much for my heart to handle. When he had to leave me, I knew it was the only option, but I didn’t understand how the world would keep turning... it did keep turning though. Every day that abominable ache in my chest started to hurt less and less.
It was when all the little broken pieces of my heart and soul finally seemed to be gluing themselves back together that I realized, I don’t need that kind of love, or that kind of life. Ever. Again. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love again because I can’t wait to fall in love again, but I hope and pray it is a very different kind of love.
I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own. I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from him I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me. I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night. I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to believe in me, encourage me and push me to be my best self. I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on twenty-four hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile. I want a love that can only be described by, "reciprocity." A love that has me going to bed completely content. Not one that keeps me up at night.
My ex taught me more about love and life than he will never know. We were young and naive and loved being in love, but it was the wrong kind of love. I hope it was a once in a lifetime kind of love for the both of us. I hope one day we both find a more peaceful, trusting, secure, supportive, encouraging, full kind of love.